His heart is for me to know His heart

I was downcast in my spirit, and at times even felt the doubt creep into my mind as to whether it was that sensible and right a choice that I had made in sharing my testimony on my 21st birthday, letting my parents know that I'm serious about God.

I was secretly wishing that obedience to God wouldn’t require such increasingly escalated cost. I had felt and saw so undeniably His presence and guidance on the months leading up to my birthday, knew without a doubt that it was exactly where He wanted me to be, and yet with all the scolding and fruitless-ness seemed to be heading in the exact opposite direction

I struggled with the whole notion of obedience, struggled to make sense of the promise He spoke to me that He is faithful and He loves me, and that His favour would be upon me.

What favour is this if it all amounts to non-sense financially for my Cambodia trip and non-sense mistreatment from my family? I felt like Jeremiah, questioning God about what obedience to Him amounts to, yet knowing that I wouldn’t have it living my life any other way even if I could.
Reminded of this.. :“No one who puts a hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God."

I love to have testimonies of God’s providential hand coming through for me, the truth is, obedience often comes at a cost.

Now, I know I would want to overcome every single trial and adversity with the promises of God.
I see that anyone who wants to be used greatly by Him, his faith has to and will be tried and tested.

If not how could one prove himself obedient and submitted to Him?
Though obeying come at a cost, should then a Christian thus shy away from obeying? What virtue could be said of obedience if it did not require any form of courage? “There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy place where the Most High dwells. God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break of day.” That I may be taught His way, so as to walk in His truth. That I might be given an undivided heart, so as to fear His name.

For a faith that is tried and tested, so that it may be “proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honour when Jesus Christ is revealed”! I pray for moments like these that I’m facing, that my faith be made an exhibit for what faithfulness in Him really means. For moments like this where those who fear Him rejoice when they see me, for I have put my hope in His Word, in His promises everlasting

 

David said, “one who fears the lord have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord.”
Paul reminds the church to match their actions with their proclamations, to finish the work so that “your eager willingness to do it may be matched with your completion of it, according to your means. For if the willingness is there, the gift is acceptable according to what one has, not according to what he does not have.”

An eager willingness to obey God has to be matched with the willingness to see it to completion.
Realised that my human heart is often slow to find full assurance and trust in Him.
Prayed for help to know that His Word as truth and where I find my hope secured.
Such irony when you suspect that God is dropping you a sign, but your feeble heart goes on to ask for a sign of confirmation just for clarity’s sake! It always happens this way...

At times I felt the Holy Spirit comforting, I sat there in silence, teary-eyed and a heart overwhelmed by an assurance of God’s sovereignty in my life, as though He should be saying to me that He was here all along watching me for the past 1 year...

He has already spoken clearly; for His Word “goes forth from his mouth and will not return to Him empty, but will accomplish what He desire and achieve the purpose for which He sent it”.

I hope that even as persecution comes, i'll feel even joyful, and “fully at rest” in Him.
Praying for my obedience to be one that is steadfast and one that “doesn’t look back”.

God was freeing me up for something, we'll see...

And whether it was with tears of frustration or repentance that I had cried, I knew deep down then that I would obey, no matter how crazy the idea seemed. I knew that I had to do it for myself, just as Abraham had to lead Isaac up the wooden pier, and  raising the knife above him, just to know for himself where his heart was.

 

 

And was also reminded of the rich young ruler’s story.. His eyes were full of sadness for his lack of faith as for the love of his own life and money.
“Where’s the faith when I call myself a Christ-follower?” I ask myself.
Where’s the obedience to follow God into the discomfort and uncertainty?
I do not know what may await me around the corner, and perhaps, in some assuring way, not knowing is indeed better for me. For it matters not to know where Jesus was calling the rich young guy to anyway, so long as he gets to be with Him.

Is important to always going back to the basics of the Christian faith, questioning my thoughts about why I do what I do, putting to test and sharpening the worldview that I hold of who God is in my life, church, finances, missions, career, etc.

Thank you God for digging up the obstacles that keep the roots of my faith from growing deeper, and weed out any selfish preoccupations that strive to strangle my faith
Have I ever felt like not coming to service, ever woken up and feel like not serving God and lead worship? I can even see myself as a worship leader who had a bad day right before having to lead worship, or a LGL who had to hide in the toilet cubicle to ask God for enough faith and strength to be convicted about what I'm about to teach. To be truthful, I say I don’t always anticipate them..

 

I guess the beauty of the Christian faith is that it doesn’t have to be perfect. It doesn’t always have to be sunshine, nor am I impressed daily to proudly proclaim that I’ve smiled at the storm. In fact, I cry like never before at the storm!
The reality is that tears and tough seasons aren’t going to last forever.
I want to be pushing forward cause I know where god is getting me.
“Here’s the sad truth about the mountaintop:”, ”no one is allowed to remain there permanently.”
And thus on some days, it’s with gritted teeth not a wide genuine smile that I give that extra strength to go for that extra step. I cry over spilled milk, with the mistakes ive made and then wipe the tears later on because I know I would have  choose to haven taken that cupful milk all-over again still

I have not known such desperation and humility before Jesus, and that my frustration and tiresome prayers were necessary, not simply in demanding an answer from God, but to bring my heart to a point of unconditional surrender; a heart that seeks to refuse Him nothing.
Prayer then, didn’t move God’s hand as it did move my heart. In such moments, I suspect that perhaps God speaks to us most clearly through His silence, His absence, such that we know Him best through such times.

I want to strongly held on and insist that He is bigger than my feelings while still feeling the sadness that I faced, so that I grow to fully, love Him.

At that night, last Saturday, I came home early, highly irritated and frustrated by the spiritual apathy I was seeing in my family.

It was an accumulation of events and arguments that added on to some sense of injustice that was growing in my heart. What made it all the more infuriating was that I couldn’t find anyone to point fingers at apart from my own lack of deliberation in bring them closer to Christ; though I felt that I have done all that I could.
Why do I get to rejoice in the matters of God without my heart getting broken at those who do not?

God, please send people to speak your love and grace into them for I am inadequate in so many ways, yet searched my heart that that will not be my excuse.

Harvest, year of the Lord's favour. I see again how I can go about doing ministry or striving to seek God’s direction for His will in my life, but still, if “I have not love, I am nothing" If my heart doesn’t break for the things that break the heart of God, what good is my faith?

God doesn’t show “favouritism’, not because He loves all collectively, but that we’re each His “favourite”.
The God who has the ability to relate to all creation at once, chooses to relate on a closer level to us individually and personally. A God who is fatally in love with us, to His own death.
“God loves each one of us as if there was only one of us to love,”
It leaves me amazed to note how real being in the presence of an invisible God can be, where a single, tangible moment with God can have ripple effects on the resilience of a person’s character and faith throughout his lifetime.

 I want to make it a point that I do not serve God less even after I leave NUS, or at the midst of parental persecution.
I got reminded of spiritual disciplines; on the emphasis of consistent prayer, reading the Word, journaling, and the importance of persevering at all spiritual disciplines no matter how I feel. I do this for one objective; to know God. If we have a choice to be faithful, then we also have a choice to be faithless. ( which I almost fall into it )

 

Teach me to get caught up with You in the midst of the doing. Remind me how it’s not the big moments that count but the small. To do the small and ordinary things with the perception of their enormous value...

Love,
Your Child