Embracing my place

I'd lose it again. Sorry God. 
I can't even recognize my tone just now when I spoke to my parents that way. Regardless whether I'm wronged, I should choose to speak life, especially knowing that I am the only  Christ ambassador at home, I'm the way to show them by example what Christianity is about. 
I need to learn and respect the fortitude it takes to keep a family together, and have it grip my heart the next time an argument approaches. I need to learn the commitment of love, beyond my own emotions, and be "slow to speak and angry". A love that is not easily angered nor keeps a record of wrong. On days like these I realize in my heart my own ugliness and the dark restlessness beneath the surface.

I realized the more we desire God, the more aware we are at our fallen-ness. The closer I am to God, the more illuminated my shortcomings become. However, the holy spirit will only convict us of guilt and not shame, with the understanding that it is all about running to God instead of running away or indulge in my weaknesses. For "His strength is made perfect in my weaknesses."


As I've reflect upon how I felt towards hypocritical performances in church, fairness and suffering in life, i was bought back to the Parable of the Prodigal Son in the bible.

You are either becoming more like the elder brother, or more like the prodigal son, there is no in-between.

When it comes to the doings in church, is there any haunting similarities in the attitude of the elder brother who has a heart that has grown cold in the midst of doing the things of his father? Or could it be that when we am not appreciated of what we've done, be it small or big, or because of certain "unfairness" we felt due to comparison, we responded the same way as the elder son, choosing to withdraw and unable to partake in the joy of his brother’s return, all because of an unappreciated heart that forgotten our identity, that we are His children, and that He is perfect in His plans and ways?

I’m beginning to understand what it means to be called to extend a love that is unconditional. The Father’s love that embraces the waywardness of the younger son and the indignation of the elder son. I find it so draining to be loving others from my own strength, but in acknowledging God as the source of all love, it becomes so much easier to see who God is calling them to be. 

I pray I can have no fear in loving, to extend a hand of grace and a heart of patience, knowing that we have “nothing left to lose”. Help me to always remember my identity, and live life with an unoffended heart.

By focusing on God’s heart, there is no jealousy, worry or fear. No strive for power; no need of affirmation when help is rendered; no insistence of advise being followed when it’s extended; no desire to be remembered for our good deeds; and no worry of being hurt.

Thank you Lord, for your steadfast love for me even when I cannot bring myself to love others, or to love even myself for the mistakes I’ve made, or for the past that had happened. This desperate clinging on to You gives me a resilience to love. You go about serving with a soft heart that allows people in at times only to be trampled on, betrayed and disowned.

If one is to truly love another, then one must be prepared to have his heart broken and nailed to a cross.