Persecution and suffering

Finally had sometime to pen down my thoughts.. Straight after conference i was called to share to my family about my faith. I was highly frustrated by the spiritual apathy I was seeing in my family. It was an accumulation of events and arguments that added on to some sense of injustice that was growing in my heart. 
What made it all the more infuriating was that I couldn’t find anyone to point fingers at apart from my own lack of deliberation in bring them closer to Christ. Why do I get to rejoice in the matters of God without my heart getting broken at those who do not? And on that Sunday night I was tearing up while singing "lord i give u my heart..", crying out in desperation that my whole family will be saved. There's no other way but through Jesus, relying on my own strength alone is impossible, but only through divine partnership..

God, please send people to speak your love and grace into them for I am inadequate in so many ways, yet searched my heart that that will not be my excuse.

There were fears. Definitely. How will they respond? and how will I respond?
Not being able to go for service really sadden my heart.. I don't even know how long this season of parental persecution is going to take..
I knew without a doubt that it was exactly where He wanted me to be, to draw even closer to Him.. and yet with all the scolding and fruitless-ness seemed to be heading in the exact opposite direction. Perhaps not knowing is better, like the rich young ruler, his eyes were full of sadness for his lack of faith as for the love of his own life and money. 
“Where’s the faith when I call myself a Christ-follower?” I ask myself. 
Where’s the obedience to follow God into the discomfort and uncertainty? 
I do not know what may await me around the corner, and perhaps, in some assuring way, not knowing is indeed better for me. For it matters not to know where Jesus was calling the rich young guy to anyway, so long as he gets to be with Him. 

A wonderful reminder the day after Pastor Ron's meeting. There were moments that I have no idea how to describe my feelings and circumstances to God, but he knows even before i say a word. There were times when my heart just doesn't have a song, but he always provided me with one to sing. :)

And I will walk with you, 

knowing you'll see me through, 

and sing the songs you gave. 

I can sing cause you pick me up,

sing cause you're there.

I can sing cause you hear me Lord,

when i call to you in prayer. 

~How can i keep from singing

Amen. This is why I will sing in the midst of all this. Praise is the mode of love which always has some element of joy in it. Two widely different convictions press more and more on my mind.
One is that the eternal vet is even more inexorable and the possible operations even more painful than our severest imaginings can forbear.
But the other, that "all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well and will be well with Jesus".
I especially love to sing praise song in the midst of tough times, thanking Him for is yet to come, and what He had already done in my life...

You've turned it all around, 

when i was hurting now I'm rejoicing. 

In your love I'm found and I have joy.

You took away my pain, 

you turned my mourning into dancing

I can smile again, cause I have joy. 

Let's give Him praise for He is good.

You have given me a joy that won't stop, and will never leave, 

so I will praise you with gladness. For you are good

~Joy- Planetshakers

Some days may be mostly joyful, but a tinge of pain will still color the joy. And that some days may seem full of pain, but joy can be found even in the midst of the suffering.

And thus on some days, it’s with gritted teeth not a wide genuine smile that I give that extra strength to go for that extra step. I cry over spilled milk, with the mistakes ive made and then wipe the tears later on because I know I would have  choose to haven taken that cupful milk all-over again still. 

I have not known such desperation and humility before Jesus, and that my frustration and tiresome prayers were necessary, not simply in demanding an answer from God, but to bring my heart to a point of unconditional surrender; a heart that seeks to refuse Him nothing.
Prayer then, didn’t move God’s hand as it did move my heart. In such moments, I suspect that perhaps God speaks to us most clearly through His silence, His absence, such that we know Him best through such times.

Romans 8:35-39"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? ...Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.'.

Lord I'm amazed by you
and how you loved me..
How deep, how wide, how great..
is your love for me... 

I asked you, what if I grew weary and choose to let go one day? What if in the midst of all these sufferings I forgot all that you have done for me, your goodness, and gave up?


" I knew and has pursued you even before You knew me.. and I will never stop chasing after your heart... "

He is faithful even when I'm not. and through His word and worship gave me strength to hold on to what He had started in me and see it into completion. three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Knew that following Jesus will cost facing persecution, and expected suffering as a normal part of belonging to the “man of sorrows”. Christ suffered for me; when they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to Him who judges justly, leaving me an example, that I should follow in his steps. (1 Peter 2:20-24)
One of my reflection through conference is that difficulties are good yardsticks to measure if Jesus is truly the One who satisfies us. Jesus calls us to abide in Him (John 15:4-5), and to abide means to find hope even in our pain, because we trust that He is good and has a good plan for us. This is why I can remain rooted in God’s joy in challenges, sufferings, and pain.

My ability to remain joyful in spite of our circumstances is a good reflection of how much I am abiding in Christ.

Whatever controls our joy is what we abide in.I can always rejoice in God because He satisfies the deepest needs of my heart (Philip 4)

Corinthians 11:24-28 24 Five times I received from the Jews the forty lashes minus one. 25 Three times I was beaten with rods, once I was pelted with stones, three times I was shipwrecked, I spent a night and a day in the open sea, 26 I have been constantly on the move. I have been in danger from rivers, in danger from bandits, in danger from my fellow Jews, in danger from Gentiles; in danger in the city, in danger in the country, in danger at sea; and in danger from false believers. 27 I have laboured and toiled and have often gone without sleep; I have known hunger and thirst and have often gone without food; I have been cold and naked. 28Besides everything else, I face daily the pressure of my concern for all the churches.

These words of Paul shows how much he put God's will and calling above everything else. Even in the midst of such unbearable persecution, he held on to God and his calling. He was a man of conviction, with firm beliefs and a willing heart to weather all storms to press on in his faith. He persevere on in preaching the good news in and out of season (2tim 4), and it is with these convictions that we are pushed to things we did not think were possible.
I felt that God is asking me,

"Will you still serve me despite all this?"

Yes Lord. I will do my best.

May I be a women of convictions. That against persecutions, I will hold on firmly to my belief that Jesus is Lord. Against the countless difficulties I faced, I will not stop proclaiming Your goodness, to continue obeying You with courage, even when I am weak. I will carry on knowing that Your grace is sufficient for me to do what I am called to do.

Faith without action is dead. 
For a faith that is tried and tested, so that it may be “proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honour when Jesus Christ is revealed!” I pray for moments like these that I’m facing, that my faith be made an exhibit for what faithfulness in Him really means. For moments like this where those who fear Him rejoice when they see me, for I have put my hope in His Word, in His promises everlasting. 
God gave the Israelites the Tabernacle, and the Ark of the Covenant, He provided for them manna, clothes and sandals that did not wear out (Deu 29:5) He guided them with a pillar of cloud and fire (Exodus 13) He did all these to remind the Israelites that He was with them, that He would never leave nor forsake them.
And as God reminded the Israelites of His presence then, I strongly believe He does the same today as well! His name is Emmanuel, which translates to God with us.
When Jesus ascended, He sent the Holy Spirit so that we will always have His presence “even to the end of the age.” (:
The story of the Bible isn’t about the desire of people to be with God; it’s about the desire of God to be with people. He watches over us. He cares for us. He is in control even in the midst of the storms. He never leaves nor forsakes us – this is the promise of His everlasting presence. 

And His presence, my friend, is the greatest favour.